One liners

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    Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
    I woke this morning with a huge correction.

    The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ……. so I did….
    she’s 21 and her name’s Lucy

    My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60’s group The Monkees.
    I thought she was joking ……… and then I saw her face

    My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta’s, his little face lit up when he tried to walk.. Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

    I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
    All I said was, ‘hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!’

    Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn’t gobble anymore.

    Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

    Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife’s voice from the kitchen, ‘what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?’
    I said, ‘Thank you, I’ll have chicken please’
    She replied, ‘You’re having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!’

    I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
    I looked round and this bloke shouts, ‘That’s just for starters!’

    Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of ‘I’m a celebrity, get me out of here!’ Show bosses think she will do really well since she’s been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

    I got hit on the head with a drill today, didn’t see it coming, and all of a sudden Bosch.

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